After cancer

Further to: oestrogen-postive breast cancer was diagnosed (three years on from the last time) in January this year resulting in my having a double mastectomy. In the subsequent biopsies of the breast tissue more cancer than first thought was found. This resulted in a recommendation of chemotherapy. I asked about a test called the Oncotype DX which genetically analyses the tumour to predict the likelihood of the cancer returning (this presumes the ongoing taking of hormone suppressant medication to prevent recurrence also) and the likely benefit of chemotherapy on the cancer. On Friday the test results were presented showing no requirement for chemotherapy. I am very pleased about this. I have necessarily had to hold myself steady over the last few months and have had to dig into all my resources, the most valuable of which have been my friends who threw a net of love and support around me. Reflexology treatments with Kate Gowar, therapy, yoga with Michelle Cobbinand my faith & meditation practice were also all invaluable. I had to hold hard and be patient - waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting for fear to pass, waiting for pain to ease. All the way through I have held to the questions - 'who has my best interests at heart and how can I, the essence of myself, not be redacted or erased?" I followed my instincts & intuitions to concur or reject or challenge proposed treatment decisions and this has served me well. I have tagged friends who were deep in there with me; listening, cooking, attending appointments, laughing, giving thoughtful gifts, messaging, walking with me literally and emotionally. However everyone who I have been in contact with has been nothing other than down-the-line brilliant in their support and care.

There is always the question, ongoing for me, about the seeming obligation there is to link oneself in identity to cancer, to say I am a cancer survivor and then to write about it, blog about it, make performance about it...I am not sure..because the narrative is always/often constituted within neo-liberal individualism where the cancer has been defeated by the person's attitude: plucky stories of charity fundraising, 5k runs, extreme diet changes, positive affirmations. (This isn't always the case Brian Lobel and Joon Lynn Goh are showing another way as are writers such as Anne Boyer, Audre Lourde, Susan Sontag, Rachel Carson) Healthcare for women's bodies and minds however is in a parlous state - lack of research, a mind-set that demands compliance not collaboration in treatment decisions & treatment options whose side-effects can be deibilitating & life-altering. (This is true be it cancer, menopause, fertility & child birth, and treatments for people transitioning). Anyway, all this is still to be chewed on and considered and for now sufficient to say I am pleased to be alive.